


i've learned to lose you

by imposterhuman



Series: angsty post-endgame drabbles [8]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, F/M, Gen, Grief, Hopeful Ending, Morgan Stark feels, Mourning, Parent Pepper Potts, Pepper Potts Feels, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Years Later
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-03-20 15:47:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18995692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imposterhuman/pseuds/imposterhuman
Summary: Pepper was starting to forget the way Tony laughed.





	i've learned to lose you

**Author's Note:**

> anyone else still crying? i saw a tumblr post about how long pepperony knew each other and i swear i started bawling

Pepper was starting to forget the way Tony laughed. The exact lines of his smile, the one he gave her that was so filled with love and devotion, was slipping through the cracks of her memory. It had been years since he had smiled at her.

 

Pictures didn’t do him justice, holograms were just cheap imitations. His smell was long gone from her sheets, his shampoo gone from her shower. There was so little left of him. He was in the bones of her house, the one he built, but it wasn’t  _ enough _ . She couldn’t remember exactly what she told him as they hammered nails into boards together, couldn’t remember the dinner he made her that night. 

 

The loss wasn’t a gaping hole anymore, but a constant ache. The first year, the first anniversary, Pepper had fallen apart at the seams. Rhodey had had to come take Morgan because she couldn’t stop screaming for her husband. Now, years later, it was different. She didn’t wake up sobbing for Tony anymore, hands reaching to a side of the bed that she knew would be cold. She didn’t know if that was better or worse.

 

It was the sixth anniversary of Tony’s death defeating Thanos, and Pepper couldn’t help but to feel empty. Morgan called her days like this her “bad days”, like they would pass with a juice pop and a hug. And they did, most of the time; it was impossible to feel sad around her daughter, so like Tony in her giving spirit. But anniversaries were hard. Pepper could remember in perfect detail the smell of Tony’s charred flesh, the cold skin of his cheek under her lips, the way his hand grew heavy and dropped from hers. She cursed her mind, for letting her remember that, but not the warmth of Tony in her arms. 

 

Pepper waded into the lake where they floated Tony’s arc reactor away so long ago, standing in the cold water up to her knees, lost in thought. The water was the exact color of her Rescue armor, the exact color of the dress she danced in with Tony when he got back from Afghanistan. She still wore the armor, but only as a last resort. Maybe it was selfish, but she wouldn’t let Morgan lose another parent unless it was absolutely necessary. The dress, she never put on, not since she wore it on the night Tony proposed. It was in the back of her closet. Sometimes she cried into the folds of its skirt.

 

“I miss you,” she said, closing her eyes. If she did, she could pretend Tony was next to her, an arm’s length away. “I always will. You bastard, I love you so much.

 

“Morgan’s a genius, just like you. She turned ten last month, and she’s already keeping pace with Peter and Harley in the lab. She’s made noise about a suit, but I distracted her with juice pops. I don’t know how much longer that one’s going to work, though,” Pepper broke off, taking a ragged breath. “I wish you could see how she’s grown up. She has your hair, your smile. She has my eyes, though. She’s beautiful, Tony. We did good.

 

“It’s not fair,” she whispered. “You should be here. You should be with me.” She opened her eyes, wiping the tears that had fallen. “But you’re not.”

 

“Mom?” Morgan’s voice called from the bank of the lake. “Mom, you gotta come inside, it’s cold.”

 

Pepper turned to her daughter. “I’m coming, honey,” she said, walking out of the water, away from Tony’s ghost. 

 

“Are you okay?” Morgan asked, pulling Pepper into a hug. She had Tony’s uncanny skill for reading people, and Pepper rarely tried to hide from her. 

 

“I am now that you’re with me,” Pepper answered honestly, running her fingers through her daughter’s messy curls. “Is Uncle Rhodey still here?”

 

“He gave me an extra juice pop,” Morgan confided, smiling like the child she was. “I saved you a cherry one.”

 

“Thanks, baby,” said Pepper. If she closed her eyes, she could feel Tony’s arms around her shoulder, pulling her and Morgan close. “You know cherry is my favorite.”

 

“Duh,” Morgan made a face. “That’s why I saved it, Mom.”

 

She flounced back into the house, Pepper following behind her. She looked so much like Tony, down to the twist of her hair and the mischief in her eyes. Pepper was struck by the love she had for her daughter, for the beautiful little girl that she and Tony had made. Her heart was full to bursting, even as it hurt.

 

It was okay, Pepper decided, that she was forgetting the exact shape of Tony’s smile. As long as she had Morgan to remind her, it was never really gone.

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos reduce my angst


End file.
